Slowly... shy and insecure... I re-emerge.

It's been more than a year since my last blog post here on Deviant Art. It's been a long year. Complicated.... somewhat.

I don't know how many people watch me... how many even read blogs. I know i don't read most of them so i couldn't ask anyone to read mine. However i feel like there should be something up here... instead of just static proof that i do nothing with this account.

(I feel a story coming on.) I guess it was around 2002 that i first heard of DA and i said "I'd like to be part of that". But, being overly critical of myself i thought i'd be best if i waited until my work was better. Of course, me being my work's only critic (an overly critical one at that), it was hard to "get better"... since I'm rarely satisfied with the finished product.

It wasn't until i was almost done with my BA in Graphic Design that i decided to join. 3 years later..... I felt i had actually learned and practiced some, so this time i had works i planed to showcase. Great ideas i planned on putting together. Conceptual pieces in my brain... 2... 3.... daily. Just ideas... just in my head.

I've always had trouble turning my ideas into actual visual pieces. Things other people can see and appreciate... or critique as opposed to these amazing abstract ideas that only i know about. This makes me incredibly grateful for resources.

Shortly after... I got married and was coming up on a year at my current job at the time. I don't know how many of you have been in a job where you were meant to be creative and got all the creativeness sucked out of you..... but that is exactly what happened to me. It wasn't completely the jobs fault. I think... definitely... the work i was being asked to do (or forced rather) didn't fuel my creative spark at all, but it was work and i did it. I think... ultimately... what killed my spark was the environment i was working in. I don't think going into the details is necessary. I hated being there. I felt trapped. I needed the money so i stayed... and my "muse" -- if i can call it that-- just sort of died. Or.... at least i hope it's in a comma somewhere.

To be truthful and honest... i don't think i've made anything for me in at least a year. It's like I've been on autopilot all this time and all my work has been mediocre to say the least. Which is why none of it is here. I just haven't "felt it".... It's just hasn't been flowing for me. I know a lot of people will think "designing is your job and you gotta do it no matter how you feel". But the truth is... with me... things have never been so mathematical. It's not as easy as 2+2=4. It's not become a formula just yet. But then again nothing in my life ever has.

I guess I'm like so-called method actors. I've always needed inspiration to be able to deliver. And in that kind of working environment... inspiration was scarce. I was completely unsatisfied with what i had "achieved" in almost 2 years. So..... a month ago i quit. And i've been jobless since then.

I wonder if what i went through can be labeled as a form of depression. I mean... don't get me wrong. I'm not the type to think that depression is life ending. I think it can be in some cases, which is troubling, but i also just think it's a condition that people can live with and live through. I think it comes and goes and i don't think it has to be chronic to BE.

de · pres · sion (dĭ-prĕsh'ən)

1. A reduction in activity or force.
2. A reduction in physiological vigor or activity: a depression in respiration.
3. A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
4. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow.


It's not always a critical medical condition. Sometimes it just a hole in the ground.

So yeah... i've spent a month at home.... doing things to keep occupied and none of them have been digital art related. I even forgot Photoshop shortcuts if you can believe that. But alas... there is light. I'm going back to school to get my Master's now in November and i hope the muse comes out of the comma soon. Or maybe i can find a way to patch up that hole in the ground.

Whatever happens... I can't promise to be an active part in this community. But I'm not closing this account just yet.... and I'm removing most of my work. If anybody cares. haha